To: The Football Gods
C/O The Pac-12 Conference and NCAA
Hey, Football Gods. It's me, Huddy. I know that this is a busy time of year for you, what with your reign over the Bowl Championship Series and determining which team will be bestowed your ultimate gift and all. (By the way, don't you think Notre Dame is a little on the nose?). I'm hoping you can spare a few moments for myself and the other Coug fans. I can't be alone in wondering just what it is I've done to earn your unrelenting wrath. I have many questions and one simple request for you. So if you don't mind, Football Gods, can you please click on the jump and see what I have to say?
Is it something I've done personally as a fan to cause you to torment me and make my beloved Cougars' historic levels of ineptitude drag on for so long? Did I call a few two many players morons or throw a remote/phone/whatever I was holding at the time too often? Is it the cursing? I can cut back on these things as best I can in exchange for access to your benevolence that seems reserved only for SEC fans. Perhaps this is an elaborate ruse being perpetrated on me by yourselves and the Basketball, Hockey, Baseball and Soccer Gods. While I can see how this is funny (funny sad, not funny haha), I feel at this time like the joke has gone on long enough. Go ahead and feel free to send Ashton Kutcher on out to let me know I've been Punk'd so I can actually enjoy sports for a while. Besides, if you are punishing me for my personal sports fan sins, why would my fellow WSU alumni and fans be forced to suffer for my misdeeds?
To that end, Football Gods, are you actually smiting Cougar Nation as a whole? I can see how we could have fallen on your bad side from time to time. I mean, sure, many of our fans venture out to the RV Lot at halftime and never come back (or never show up at all during the lean years). And yes, the WSU donor list isn't exactly the lengthiest around, but I think we're just misunderstanding the cause and effect process that you, in your infinite wisdom and omnipotence understand. We seem to be of the understanding that you throw some winning seasons our way and we'll start filling the seats of Martin Stadium and the coffers of the WSU Athletic Department Budget. If this is a simple misunderstanding, surely we can get this matter rectified. Once that's settled, we can talk about our hubris around this time last year when Mike Leach was hired. I think you can understand our excitement and accept our apologies for getting a tad carried away.
If this is not wrath being perpetuated against me personally or against Cougar fans as a whole, then it must be the Wazzu football program itself that has drawn your ire. I'm not sure exactly why this would be the case, but I have some theories. I'm guessing it didn't sit too well at Football God Headquarters that you allowed for the creation of the Palouse Posse only to have their efforts and your powers thwarted by Chad Davis. I can only assume you are not exactly thrilled with the lengths Ryan Leaf went to squander his prodigious talents. What you did to fine men like Bill Doba and Paul Wulff, I don't understand, Football Gods. And Jerome Harrison…I mean what the heck is that about? At some point, you're just being mean. I just want to know why and what we can do to get in your good graces.
This brings me to my request, Football Gods. Can you, in your infinite wisdom, find some way for at least Friday of this week to show Washington State and its fans some mercy? I know you get your kicks at the lopsided scorelines and the increasingly absurd blunders, but what good could come from allowing the Huskies and their insufferable fans to benefit from this? Should not they be punished for their pretentious "Bow Down" lingo or is that right up your alley? Please, Football Gods, I can't bear another three hours of miserable text messages from my fellow Cougs and taunting messages from those other friends I have. I know that you have a little extra time this season without having to manufacture so many Tim Tebow miracles. We have given you plenty of sacrifices this year. The time has come to let us have our moment in the sun.
P.S. Tell Lone Start Dietz we all say, "what up".